How To Speak Republican

(hat tip: John Gorman)

• America (United States of): A country located in the Northern/Western Hemisphere that is #1.
• Bible: A sacred text that provides incontestable answers when thumped.
• Birth Certificate: An official birth record required of all US Presidents, regardless of race, since 2008.
• Capitalism: A system of economic organization that has never been attempted.
• Christmas: A holiday commemorating the birth of Jesus Christ, now rarely celebrated due to persecution by atheists.
• Compromise: (uncommon) A form of political suicide.
• Coast (East): A very bad coast of the continental United States.
• Coast (West): Another really inexcusable coast.
• Communism: The belief that the government should ever do anything.
• Condescending: Accurately informed.
• Constitution (U.S.): The hallowed founding document of the United States, the text of which must be interpreted literally, adhered to strictly and amended immediately.
• Corporations: Large people who are overtaxed.
• Deficits (1): Fiscal shortfalls incurred by Democrats that will bankrupt the country.
• Deficits (2): Fiscal shortfalls incurred by Republicans that don't matter.
• Democrat: A political party.
• Election: A method of selecting representatives, the fraudulence of which may be determined by the outcome.
• Elitist: Qualified.
• Endangered Species: Animals that have it coming.
• Evolution: A theory of human origins that is out there.
• Extremist (Liberal): Espousing or adhering to political beliefs that are held by only a majority of Americans.
• Fact: Information that has been verifiably posted to a RedState comments section.
• Forest (National): Trees that have it coming.
• Gut: Region of the body from which decisions should be made.
• Homosexuality: A membership-only lifestyle organization that perpetuates itself through youth recruitment.
• Hitler: A man to whom it would be inappropriate to compare President Obama in spite of the many uncanny similarities.
• Jesus: Charismatic religious leader and son of God; born in Bethlehem in the year zero; beliefs include love, charity, enhanced interrogation, privatized healthcare, elimination of the estate tax, and the right to carry concealed semiautomatic weapons.
• League (Ivy): an association of eight Eastern universities and colleges, the lack of a fancy education from which qualifies a candidate for political office.
• Liberal: A person who should be rounded up and shot but not really.
• Marxism: A political and economic philosophy developed by Karl Marx and promulgated by Paul Krugman.
• Media (Mainstream): Where you won't hear things.
• Medicare: A fraudulent, socialistic boondoggle that is sacrosanct.
• Mexicans: Brown people who have it coming.
• Mountaintops: Ancient rock formations that have it coming.
• Muslims: More brown people who have it coming.
• News: Fox News
• Obamacare: A Federally-mandated policy to address the national oversupply of grandparents through euthanasia.
• Organic: Eaten by lesbians.
• Party (Tea): A grass-roots movement of patriotic Americans fighting for the principle of "No Taxation With Representation."
• Poll: A survey used to determine (within a margin of error) how few Americans are right.
• Poverty: The condition of having inadequate financial or material resources due to not trying hard enough.
• Propaganda: The politically motivated dissemination of biased information, opinion, or data through its publication in the New York Times.
• Punishment (Capital): The legally authorized killing by the State of someone who is definitely guilty.
• Racism: A form of discrimination that typically happens in reverse.
• Regulation: Rules issued by a government agency for no reason.
• Ronald Reagan: A fictional character based loosely on President Ronald Reagan.
• Scientist: A person who employs a rigorous system of observation, experiment, measurement, and verification to perpetuate his Godless left-wing agenda.
• Social Security: A redistributionist Ponzi scheme that is sacrosanct.
• Socialism: An economic system invented by FDR.
• Taxes: Levies imposed by the government that raise more revenue the lower they are.
• Torture: A method of interrogation that does not rise to the level of torture.
• Terrorist: A person to whom a certain someone threatening to destroy the U.S. economy unless his demands are met should not be compared.
• Unbiased: Giving equal weight to both sides of the looking glass.
• Wealthy (the): People who earned every penny.
• Up: A direction which, depending on circumstances, is down.
• Warming (Global): An anomalous, anthropogenic increase in the earth's atmospheric and oceanic temperatures that isn't happening.
• Welfare: A government program to distribute Cadillacs to unwed mothers.
• Yes: (no translation available)