SNL writers get it.
Good morning, and thank you for calling our very great FEMA.
We're experiencing a bigly heavy call volume, so please hold.
In order to give you the best possible service, please have your FEMA account number ready - or if you're a first-time caller, your credit card number, birthdate, Social Security Number, and proof of citizenship.
For faster response - especially if you're experiencing a power outage, loss of cell service, or imminent death - please go to our website, www.fuckthegovernment.biz where you can register to win a free pizza and 20 ounce Coca Cola brand soft drink - just fill in the form indicating which Anti-Trump Facebook posts you've Liked in the past 8 months, and then enter the promo code ICONFESS.
Press 1 to hear today's special offers
Press 2 for mortuary coupons
Press 3 for a discount on Nestle's bottled water
Press 4 to see if you qualify for one free surplus MRE
Press 5 to hear our tremendous hard-working best president ever, Donald J Trump tell you to go fuck yourself.
And have a beautifully blessed, non-mooching, glorious free market day - sucker.
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