(TLDR is very understandable and willingly forgiven on this one) Go in peace and sin no more.
They'll Take Your Tithe, But Not Your Truth
A Deconstructing Former Christian Explains Why She's Done Recommending Churches to the LGBTQIA+ Community
“How do I find a LGBTQ friendly church?”
Still, the question comes.
The question above came on a video I posted just last week. People are justifiably confused and cautious; no doubt they have either heard the stories of how LGBTQIA+ people have been treated in churches or they may have experienced it themselves. It is heartbreaking, especially when all a person wants is a spiritual community that will love, fully embrace, and accept them for who they are.
Instead, they discover that the place where they thought they had found family and belonging has been a ruse, a dehumanizing trick with insufferable consequences. I knew it was a problem based on my personal experience of awakening to the weaponization of scripture in order to preach about the “chosen lifestyle” of gay people, as so many mega pastors put it.
But today’s writing won’t be about assuring you that being gay isn’t a sin. For the record, it isn’t.
So hear me again:
It is not a sin.
Point blank. End of discussion. Ten toes down. Full stop.
The ones preaching that garbage are doing so because they have an agenda. That agenda is to hold onto the narrative that Christian patriarchy created generations ago. To deviate from it would be an admission that scripture is cherry-picked, fluid, and conveniently contorted to highlight the verses that control and dehumanize. It protects the power of the white Christian man, who doesn’t make “mistakes,” he falls into sin because he is “tempted by the Devil”—a convenient excuse for every action, whether immoral, perverted, or illegal, that he is caught doing.
I’ll put this nonsense to rest by including here something I said in a video a few years ago:
Because the toxic theology that is being spoon-fed to you every Sunday is so full of hate and fear and you’ve been convinced that this somehow makes you pleasing to your God.
But tell me Zac, what do you say to Christians who lay rubber getting out of that church parking lot on Sunday to head to Cracker Barrel and pile enough bacon on their plate to feed 6 people.
What do you say to them, Zac? (Leviticus 11:7-8)
Do you tell them that they are an abomination?
Or how about that Red Lobster Feast? (Lev 11:9-12)
I see your kind mowing down that surf and turf like tomorrow’s the rapture.
Although I think if you’re caught with that shrimp in your mouth, Zac you’re gonna miss it.
And did you mix fabrics today, Zac? (Lev 19:19)
Because if you did, you’re gonna have a problem getting into heaven
Now here’s a real disturbing part of Leviticus. In Lev 21 it talks about the physical standards of priests, disqualifying them for service if they have physical disabilities. Can you imagine that type of discrimination today, Zac? Do you or someone you love have a blemish in their eye, or a challenge with their physical body? And you’re okay with that level of discrimination because thousands of years ago people didn’t understand human rights and thought that discrimination was okay?
There are verses that allow us to sell our children (exodus 21:7), to unalive people for working on the sabbath (exodus 35:2)
When people use specific passages from the Bible, such as those in Leviticus, to justify homophobia or other exclusionary practices, this is an example of wanton ignorance. This term refers to a deliberate disregard for broader context, selective interpretation, and an inflexible adherence to texts that promote discriminatory views.
Here’s what you’re doing to justify your homophobia:
You’re cherry picking scripture
Zac didn’t stick around to answer any of this. And for those who want to bring Pauline theology into the mix, just don’t. Watch 1946 the movie, read Reverend Brandan Robertson’s book Queer & Christian, and stop worshipping Paul as your Lord and Savior.
Okay, I’m done with that.
What you will find interesting about what I am saying is that I can see that there are Christians who are advocating for and affirming the rights of the LGBTQIA+ community. That is exactly what I did above when I recommend 1946 the movie and Reverend Brandan’s book—all Christians and either queer or allies of the queer community. As good as the work those people are doing, they do not represent the entirety of modern American Christianity. In fact, they only represent a tiny sliver of it. And for too long, I have been asked to “trust me bro” that churches that say they are “loving, welcoming and affirming” are actually that.
When they absolutely are not.
What is a Welcoming Versus an Affirming Church?
Several years ago, I wrote a resource guide called “Welcoming versus an Affirming Church: Finding a church that truly welcomes the LGBTQIA+ community.” In that resource guide, I explained what the difference is between a welcoming church and an affirming church:
It’s important to understand that there is a significant difference between a welcoming and affirming church. They are not one and the same. True affirming churches know this and will be vocal in their support for and respect of the LGBTQIA+ community.
Phrases such as “we welcome everyone,” “we love everyone,” “God loves all,” “love covers all,” etc. have little relevance to their actual beliefs.
Nebulous signs like “God loves all” could mean that they’re comfortable with LGBTQIA+ people sitting in their pews but still consider being gay a sin. As such, anyone LGBTQIA+ would be limited in how they participate in leadership, worship, baptism, sacraments and other church activities. They will not officiate same-sex weddings or weddings for transgender people.
An affirming church will publicly declare that you’re not only welcomed but invited to experience fully the life and ministry of the church, including membership, leadership, employment and all sacraments. They’ll often go out of their way to offer hospitality, connect to the LGBTQIA+ community, take active roles in social justice issues, have officiated weddings and reiterate their willingness to do so.
Affirming churches will also have LGBTQIA+ leaders.
Let me take this a step further so that I am clear—modern American Christianity, with rock bands on stage and pastors in jeans, does not equate to an affirming church. In fact, this is where the most homophobic, transphobic church-goers and leaders are typically found. I say typically because homophobia inside Christianity is not a monolith specific to just one denomination. I have seen it in progressive churches, and many have shared their stories about being forced out of leadership roles, even out of the church, when they came out to their church community.
There is a significant difference between a welcoming church and an affirming church, and conflating the two is costing people their spiritual well-being. A rainbow flag on the door, a pastor in jeans, and a rock band on Sunday morning do not mean a church is affirming. It means they’ve done the branding. And branding is not theology.
This is exactly what Hillsong Church exposed when the church’s NYC campus appeared to be moving toward affirming, and the global leadership, at the time under its founder Brian Houston, issued a swift, unambiguous statement: they do not support same-sex marriage. The rainbow-adjacent aesthetic was never a doctrinal position. It was optics they used to appear to be something they are not.
To someone walking through those doors hungry for belonging and acceptance, those optics can appear to be a safe harbor. Instead, they are weaponizing spirituality in hopes of converting the LGBTQIA+ community to their brand of Christianity that forces them to “turn away from their chosen lifestyle.”
It’s what I call passive conversion therapy—it’s more subtle but just as deadly and toxic. When a person must deny who they are in order to be accepted into any community, there aren’t enough “welcome” signs that can be planted on the outside to hide the truth that they are nothing more than homophobic Christians pretending to be something they are not.
What about Churchclarity.org?
Many people will suggest that the LGBTQIA+ community and allies to use churchclarity.org to find churches that welcome the LGBTQIA+ community. According to its own website, Church Clarity is:
Church Clarity is a crowd-sourced, volunteer-verified website database that scores Christian churches’ websites based on how easy it is to find a church’s actively enforced policies for LGBTQ+ people and women in stewardship.
I’m going to be honest here. I have no doubt that Church Clarity’s intentions are pure and honorable. But when I discovered that a church that I formerly attended and was a leader in is listed on this website, it was an immediate “no” for me. It was evident by the sermon that was cherry-picked as a testament to this church being a safe church did not clearly represent what this church stands for and what it believes. I know personally because I sat across from those church leaders and explained my concern that we appeared to be deceiving the queer community by not admitting that we believed being gay was a sin and pretending to be something we clearly were not. By the end of that meeting, I had become painfully aware of the “bait and switch” style of marketing that is prevalent inside this Christianity: get them in the pews, take their tithes and their free labor, then entice them with ways to get over the fence to salvation that requires they denounce their “sinful lifestyle” to be the Christian God wants them to be.
That experience led me to write in my resource guide on welcoming vs. affirming church:
The saddest part that came crashing in on me was that I had been duped because I wanted to be duped. Suddenly, I realized that the pastors said all the right things to appease me, but offered no substantive actions or ways that the LGBTQIA+ was welcomed as those who were heterosexual and cisgender.
I did not want to leave my spiritual community, and so I hadn’t asked hard enough questions, lest I be faced with the hard truths that I somehow knew…
My church was homophobic and by proximity to that church, so was I.
At least that was the perception that this student had, and they had every right. From their perspective, I was selling the church on nothing but good vibes and nice people—something that the historically oppressed understand all too well. It’s so easy to say we are allies, but proving it is another story.
That incident, along with the countless other things that were occurring in my life, was a huge catalyst for me to finally face the harm Christianity was doing to the LGBTQIA+ community.
Where does that leave the LGBTQIA+ community seeking to connect with a church?
Beautiful Soul, I get it.
I truly do. For years after leaving church, I searched for another where my awakening would be welcomed, nurtured even. It never came. Time after time, I found myself sitting in a pew, listening to scriptures that were manipulated to protect Christian patriarchy. It wasn’t until I finally started looking within and healing did I realize that I no longer needed a spiritual community that reminded me of my Christian heritage.
That’s my story—not yours. I understand and respect those who seek a place that feels like home.
But here’s the truth: for far too long, I have been doing the heavy lifting of helping people find their way back to church, and that isn’t mine to carry. As much as I want to be that for you, I simply cannot. While I can fully acknowledge the good work that many Christians are doing on the inside, I am seeing far too often the homophobia many churches tolerate for the sake of the budget and tradition of families who have been affiliated with a church, and those relationships suffocate the healing work the church leaders should be doing to eradicate bigotry from their pews.
I cannot be the one doing that work from the outside when they refuse to do it within.
What I can say is you have every right to expect transparency and full disclosure for what a church believes without a song and dance that ends with a pastor in too-tight jeans, plaid shirt, bald head, shadow beard who has shortened his name to some acronym to sound hip and cool (sorry but not sorry because I know the type), that leans forward to tell you in his best whisper-like voice, “I love everyone because Jesus loves everyone!”
- That doesn’t answer whether they believe that being gay is a sin.
- It doesn’t answer if that church has ever marched in a Pride parade or hosted an event at their church.
- It doesn’t answer whether they will officiate your trans daughter’s wedding to her fiancé who happens to be a woman.
- It doesn’t answer if they will baptize your gay nephew.
- It doesn’t answer if they will ordain your lesbian sister.
- It doesn’t answer if you, as a member of the LGBTQIA+ community who is openly queer, will be invited on the worship team.
- It doesn’t answer if they support conversion therapy, or if they believe in “praying the gay away.” (which by the way: my former church, which made the list on churchclarity.org? Their senior pastor literally preached a sermon on “praying the gay away” with a former colleague. So yes, I have a right to be suspicious of the churches making that list.)
- It doesn’t answer what that pastor believes a gay person must do to be fully accepted into church membership as other hetero, cisgender church-goers are.
Those are the questions you deserve answers to, and sadly, only you can ask them. Any answer from a church leader that doesn’t indisputably acknowledge and affirm a queer person’s right to exist and be celebrated for who they are is a church leader utilizing passive conversion therapy tactics to fill the church pews and offering plates to appear to be something they are not.
I want to close…
With one final word of caution. A disturbing trend that we are seeing inside primarily evangelical/fundamentalist churches is the creation of “support groups” for the LGBTQIA+ community. These support groups are often led by someone from the LGBTQIA+ community who has denounced their “sinful desires” to live according to Christ. These are not support groups—this is yet another tactic of the church to practice underhanded conversion therapy on unsuspecting queer people who desire to be accepted. If the support group is not run by either a fully out and proud queer person or an affirming ally who is experienced and credentialed in working with the LGBTQIA+ community and some form of counseling, then it is not a safe place for anyone in the queer community.
A real support group inside an affirming church would focus on helping people heal from religious trauma and recognize their sexual or gender authenticity as fully whole, neither a sin or a mistake, and a reason to celebrate them for who they are.
Lastly….
And I say this with all the love in my heart.
This is a week for boundaries, and this is another loving one that I offer as I move forward to help those who have deconstructed and find themselves unchurched and happy to be so.
As I said above, I’ve done the work on behalf of Christians to help people find a gentle landing back in church long enough. I’m tired, but more importantly, and I say this is love, it’s not my responsibility.
Churches should be figuring out how to market this, scream loud and proud. It isn’t enough that queer clergy are front and center. It’s an incredible start, but demonstrate how people are celebrated, protected, nurtured, and honored within your spiritual community.
Til then, my response to those asking me to help them find an LGBTQIA+ affirming church will be this writing.
It isn’t that I don’t want you to find a church—believe me, I do.
I simply cannot handle yet another story when it goes wrong. Far too often, it does.
You have every right to expect to be safe and celebrated.
I have every right to expect that churches deliver on their promises to be safe and celebratory of the queer community so that I am confident in my recommendations.
It is now up to the churches to find tangible, concrete ways to be that safe space that celebrates the queer community and then get creative and loud in communicating it.
Until then, I’ll stay in my lane, helping those heal when church hurts them.
It’s what I do best.
I want to close…
With one final word of caution. A disturbing trend that we are seeing inside primarily evangelical/fundamentalist churches is the creation of “support groups” for the LGBTQIA+ community. These support groups are often led by someone from the LGBTQIA+ community who has denounced their “sinful desires” to live according to Christ. These are not support groups—this is yet another tactic of the church to practice underhanded conversion therapy on unsuspecting queer people who desire to be accepted. If the support group is not run by either a fully out and proud queer person or an affirming ally who is experienced and credentialed in working with the LGBTQIA+ community and some form of counseling, then it is not a safe place for anyone in the queer community.
A real support group inside an affirming church would focus on helping people heal from religious trauma and recognize their sexual or gender authenticity as fully whole, neither a sin or a mistake, and a reason to celebrate them for who they are.
Lastly….
And I say this with all the love in my heart.
This is a week for boundaries, and this is another loving one that I offer as I move forward to help those who have deconstructed and find themselves unchurched and happy to be so.
As I said above, I’ve done the work on behalf of Christians to help people find a gentle landing back in church long enough. I’m tired, but more importantly, and I say this is love, it’s not my responsibility.
Churches should be figuring out how to market this, scream loud and proud. It isn’t enough that queer clergy are front and center. It’s an incredible start, but demonstrate how people are celebrated, protected, nurtured, and honored within your spiritual community.
Til then, my response to those asking me to help them find an LGBTQIA+ affirming church will be this writing.
It isn’t that I don’t want you to find a church—believe me, I do.
I simply cannot handle yet another story when it goes wrong. Far too often, it does.
You have every right to expect to be safe and celebrated.
I have every right to expect that churches deliver on their promises to be safe and celebratory of the queer community so that I am confident in my recommendations.
It is now up to the churches to find tangible, concrete ways to be that safe space that celebrates the queer community and then get creative and loud in communicating it.
Until then, I’ll stay in my lane, helping those heal when church hurts them.
It’s what I do best.
Happy Pride, everybody
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