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Zelenskyy Suggests Trump Give Florida to Russia

KYIV (The Borowitz Report)—Giving helpful advice ahead of peace talks in Alaska, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy suggested on Monday that Donald J. Trump offer Vladimir Putin “full sovereignty” over the state of Florida.

“If you are considering some kind of ‘land swap’ for peace, Florida should be on the table,” Zelenskyy said. “With Florida, you have cards.”

Explaining his rationale for a Russian annexation of the Sunshine State, Zelenskyy said, “There are already so many Russian-speaking people there, especially the oligarchs and criminals around Mar-a-Lago.”

Speaking from the Kremlin, Putin said he would “consider” an offer of Florida, but only if it did not include ownership of Ron DeSantis.

Borowitz

New Yorker:

Trump Did Not Read Taliban Brief 

Because He Was Busy Not Reading Coronavirus Brief

By Andy Borowitz

Donald Trump did not read a Presidential Daily Brief about Russia paying Taliban militants to attack U.S. troops because he was busy not reading a Presidential Daily Brief about the coronavirus, the White House said on Monday.

Kayleigh McEnany, the White House press secretary, angrily accused reporters of being “totally unaware” of just how much Trump has to not read in a given day.

“Day in, day out, the President has to ignore briefs on a wide range of subjects,” McEnany said. “His ‘Do Not Read’ box is overflowing.”

“I’d like to see any of you try to not read all of that stuff,” she said. “It isn’t easy, especially when the briefs have words like ‘urgent’ and ‘must read’ stamped in big red letters on them.”

After lashing out at the press, McEnany saved her most blistering remarks for the authors of the Presidential Daily Briefs themselves. “Anyone who expects this President to find out something important by reading does not know Donald Trump,” she said.