Porn Today

So, I start up my new porn DVD, and all I see is a dark image of some fat old idiot sitting on a couch with his dick in his hand.

Then I noticed the TV wasn't on.

Kafka's Jokes

McSweeney's Internet Tendencies:

“Knock knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Knock knock.”

“Who’s there?” Alois asked again, more insistently.

“Knock knock.”

And so it went for years. It wasn’t until his deathbed Alois realized he was on the outside of the door.

-and-

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “Why the long face?”

“I was born into servitude, and when I die, my feet will be turned into glue,” replied the horse.

The bartender realized he would not be getting a tip.

Tragedy Du Jour

Breaking news this morning:

It can now be reported that President Trump's personal library has been destroyed in a fire.

It appears to be a total loss, as both books were burned, and in a cruel twist, he hadn't finished coloring the second one.

hat tip = FB pal Linda M-M

A "Joke"

🚹 Ban Muslims!

🚺 Ban men! 

🚹 Uh - there's like 3.5 billion men?

🚺 And 1.6 billion Muslims - same diff

🚹 But terrorists are mostly Muslims

🚺 And mostly men

🚹 That's dumb

🚺 I'll say

hat tip = FB bud Linda M-M

Today's Joke

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat on a lake below. She shouted to him:

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be an Obama Democrat.

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "And you must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well, madam" said the man, "You don't know where you are; you don't know how you got here, and you don't know where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to practically nothing but hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem for you. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

hat tip = FB friend Bill D, via quora.com

An Un-Joke

John of Patmos (writing Revelation): 

Lord, the End Times will be signaled by trumpets?

God: 

No - Trump/Pence

John: 

Oh, right - Trumpets

God: 

Fine - whatever - they'll know.

hat tip = Jay Smooth

Those Late Nite Bar Talks

First Guy: The flat earth society has members all around the globe.

Second Guy: Say that again - but a little slower this time.

Today's Silly Sports Analogy

Donald Trump was born on 2nd base, got to 3rd because his dad paid the next two batters to wait for an inside pitch and lean into it, then wandered into foul territory beyond the dugout thinking he'd go ahead and make a pass at the Ball Girl since he was out there anyway, tripped over the tarp and was eventually tagged out by the slowest catcher anybody's ever seen play the game - and now he's bitchin' about how everybody's so spiteful and jealous he hit the double that they're all trying to keep him from scoring the winning run in a game his team is trailing by 8. 

Today's Style Element

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?

Your vs You're 

- or - 

The Apostrophe Is Our Friend

Today's Joke

Doctor: "The good news is that your lab results are back, and your crabs are dead."

Patient: "And is there bad news too?"

Doctor: "Yes - we don't know what killed them."

Today's Joke

Today's Groaner

Let me say, I just want ya'll to know that I've started and then deleted this post at least 7 or 8 times, and that I'm sorry.  I feel bad for doing this, but I have to go thru with it now because I need you to help ease the crushing burden of shame that I feel for dumping this on you.

As you may know, Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which made for some pretty impressively tough soles on his feet.  Also, he ate very little, which caused him to be rather frail, and because of his inadequate diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This means that he was - a super calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.

Again - I am deeply and most sincerely sorry.  I am a bad bad man.

Today's Joke

A Jew, a Methodist, and an atheist walk into a bar.

They order a few rounds, and they have a good time - because they're not assholes.

They don't invite their Muslim friend because they know he's devout, so he doesn't drink, and they respect his choices.  They'll catch up with him later at the ballgame.

The End

Modern GOP Arithmetic

Teacher: Johnny, if you have 12 cupcakes and you give 3 to Jamal, how many cupcakes do you have left?

Johnny: I have 12 cuz I ain't givin' nuthin' to nobody.

Teacher: Well, if you have 12 cupcakes and I take 3 from you and give them to Jamal, then how many do you have?

Johnny:  Then I have 12 cupcakes and 2 dead bodies to dispose of.


(Ed Note: I'm not clever enough to have come up with it on my own - I saw this not too long ago on the discussion thread of a "conservative" website.)

Today's Riddle

Q: Why don't blind people go skydiving?

A: It scares the dog.