Slouching Towards Oblivion

Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts

Saturday, December 09, 2023

Riddle Me This


Question:
Why don't Alabama girls do Reverse Cowgirl?

Answer:
Because you don't turn your back on family.

Thursday, September 09, 2021

A Joke


A nun heads off to work one morning, and passes another nun who says to her, "I see you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning", and walks on by.

The nun is a bit confused, but ventures on.

As she's passing several of her students at the school where she teaches, one of the kids says, "Hello, Sister - looks like you got up on the wrong side of the bed today."

The nun gets the same comment several more times, and when she's finally headed out the door at the end of the day, she encounters Mother Superior who begins, "Oh my, Sister..."

The nun loses her patience and snaps, "Don't you dare tell me it looks like I got up on the wrong side of the bed!"

"No, dear", says the older nun, "I was just wondering why you're wearing the bishop's shoes".

Monday, June 28, 2021

Today's Dad Joke

Male bees work until it's time to mate with the queen.
And then they die.
That's the entirety of their lives.
Honey.
Nut.
Cheerio.



Saturday, June 19, 2021

Overheard

The human brain is a truly amazing thing. It functions 24/7 from a time well before you're even born and never switches off until you die -
or vote Republican.

Saturday, December 26, 2020

Monday, August 31, 2020

Overheard

Justin Trudeau has been criticized for pissing Trump's name in the snow, but it was Melania's handwriting.

Tuesday, August 25, 2020

A Question

Q:
Will Jerry Falwell Jr be speaking at the Republican convention?

A:
No - he'll just watch.


Thursday, May 21, 2020

Thursday, March 26, 2020

A Joke

On the morning of January 21, 2021, an older gent strode up to the White House gate and said he'd like to meet with President Trump.

The Marine guard said, "Sorry sir, I can't admit you without clearance, and Mr Trump is no longer the president."

The next day, the old guy showed up again and asked to see President Trump.

And again, the Marine guard said, "Sorry sir, I can't admit you without clearance, and Mr Trump is no longer the president."

This went on for another 5 days, and finally, the guard said, "Sir - you've been here every morning for a week, and every morning I've told you that you can't come in without clearance and that Mr Trump is no longer the president. May I ask - what's up with that, sir?"

And the old man replied, with a slight glistening in his eye, "I just really enjoy hearing you tell me that fat slob isn't the president anymore - thank you, son."

The guard snapped to, saluted, and said, "Roger that, sir - see you tomorrow."

hat tip = driftglass

Tuesday, December 17, 2019

Today's Today

The Wright brothers got it all off the ground 116 years ago today.

So here's a bad joke to commemorate the occasion:

Orville: Weiner cave

Wilbur: No

Orville: Dick dimple?

Wilbur: Damn it - NO

Orville: Cock pit

Wilbur: (sigh) OK fine. Jeezus.

And some video:


Monday, December 09, 2019

Today's Riddle

Q: What's considered lazy and stupid when you're poor, but smart and savvy when you're rich?

A: Getting money from the government.

Tuesday, September 24, 2019

Monday, September 02, 2019

Overheard

So, these days, when the government fucks you, there's a good chance you're gonna get a raging case of Donorrhea.

Wednesday, August 07, 2019

A Riddle

Q: What do you call a Wednesday without rain?

A: Dry hump day


Sunday, August 04, 2019

Today's Career Pro Tip

If you glue a dead wasp to your hand, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want, and act like you just saved him.
--@KentWGraham

Sunday, July 14, 2019

Just Goofin'

One Guy:
Y'know, if it wasn't for them Arabs, we wouldn't have had 9/11.

Another Guy:
Right. It'd be IX/XI - but we'd still be a little confused about who did what, and we'd still be out there fuckin' shit up.

Saturday, July 13, 2019

Today's Joke

So, I saw these two guys down on the mall wearing matching outfits - and feeling friendly and chatty, I asked them if they were a couple.

They arrested me.

Sunday, June 30, 2019

A Joke

Two men arguing

1: How could you sleep with her!?

2: She was naked - what was I supposed to do?

1: The autopsy - you were supposed to do the autopsy!

2: Don't try to order me around.

1: You are, without a doubt, the worst veterinarian ever.

Monday, November 26, 2018

Today's Joke

Overheard on the interweb:

Kid: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: I give up - why?
Kid: To get to the idiot's house.
Me: Mm-hmm. OK.

(three...two...one)

Kid: Knock knock
Me: Who's there?
Kid: The chicken