NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—The billionaire Donald J. Trump’s bid to become a born-again Christian failed over the weekend after Jesus Christ turned down his friend request, campaign officials have acknowledged.
Jesus, who has not generally been active on Facebook, made a rare appearance on the social network on Monday to announce His decision to ignore the presumptive Republican nominee’s request for a personal relationship with Him.
In a brief post, Jesus offered the following explanation: “Just everything.”
The turndown from Jesus Christ, the inspiration behind one of the world’s most prominent religions, caps what has been a tough month for the Trump campaign.
Privately, campaign staffers fretted that the candidate would pen a disparaging tweet about Jesus, which might alienate evangelical voters in key battleground states.
But, at a rally in Pennsylvania, Trump made no reference to Jesus, and instead touted endorsements he had received from Gary Busey, Jean-Claude Van Damme, and Joe (the Plumber) Wurzelbacher.
VIDEO (again): Trump state fair hall not packed full as he falsely claims. pic.twitter.com/RqnKoPJzHz— Ed O'Keefe (@edatpost) August 24, 2016
— Jerry Jordan (@Jerry_Jordan) August 24, 2016
@edatpost A mostly empty hall of white people. Seems about par for the course for Trump rallies nowadays.— Big Bo (@mellymel12321) August 24, 2016
@edatpost @NoahCRothman Wowsa. Spinal Tap and the puppet show had better attendance.— Marshall Power Locke (@MarshallLocke) August 24, 2016
Check the trunk again. the press will be here any moment. pic.twitter.com/TmIvlkUJLv— Norm Clark (@Normsmusic) August 25, 2016
— David Freddoso (@freddoso) August 25, 2016
Tuesday afternoon, Stephen Braun and Eileen Sullivan of the Associated Press released the results of a review of State Department appointment data that they used to make some striking claims about Hillary Clinton’s schedule as secretary of state.
According to their reporting, Clinton spent a remarkably large share of her time as America’s chief diplomat talking to people who had donated money to the Clinton Foundation. She went out of her way to help these Clinton Foundation donors, and her decision to do so raises important concerns about the ethics of her conduct as secretary and potentially as president. It’s a striking piece of reporting that made immediate waves in my social media feed, as political journalists of all stripes retweeted the story’s headline conclusions.
Except it turns out not to be true. The nut fact that the AP uses to lead its coverage is wrong, and Braun and Sullivan’s reporting reveals absolutely no unethical conduct. In fact, they found so little unethical conduct that an enormous amount of space is taken up by a detailed recounting of the time Clinton tried to help a former Nobel Peace Prize winner who’s also the recipient of a Congressional Gold Medal and a Presidential Medal of Freedom.
Here’s the bottom line: Serving as secretary of state while your husband raises millions of dollars for a charitable foundation that is also a vehicle for your family’s political ambitions really does create a lot of space for potential conflicts of interest. Journalists have, rightly, scrutinized the situation closely. And however many times they take a run at it, they don’t come up with anything more scandalous than the revelation that maybe billionaire philanthropists have an easier time getting the State Department to look into their visa problems than an ordinary person would.If there's really anything there, and she always just gets away with it, then the fact that 25 years of hard snooping, GOP Congressional Investigations and many many millions of dollars spent - to find practically nothing - all of that would have to mean Hillary Clinton is the most amazing of all evil genius super-criminal masterminds ever - and she's not.
George Zimmerman is a hero to everyone who wants to legally kill the person kicking your ass in a fight you started.— John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) August 5, 2016
Virginia 1952
Alabama 1953
Florida 1969
South Carolina 1969 (not certified until 1973)
Georgia 1970
Louisiana 1970
North Carolina 1971
Mississippi 1984
What about the overall picture? As our regular readers know, we’ve been the Rock of Gibraltar when it comes to a Clinton victory. Our first electoral map, issued at the end of March, showed Clinton at 347 EVs to 191 EVs for Trump, and all subsequent maps have maintained those totals — until now. After looking carefully at Nebraska’s 2nd District — Nebraska being, along with Maine, a state that awards one electoral vote to the winner of each congressional district — we’ve decided that NE-2 is leaning toward Clinton. It isn’t much of a lean, and it’s possible that if Trump can tighten up the contest, this one will wobble back to the Republicans. But for the moment, adding NE-2 to the Democrats makes Clinton’s total 348 EVs and Trump’s total 190 EVs. As you’ll recall, Obama carried this district in 2008 but lost it in 2012, so it’s on the margins — yet it also ranks 49th out of 435 congressional districts for percentage of non-Hispanic whites with a bachelor’s degree or higher. Moreover, not only is Clinton investing ad money in Omaha, which also bleeds into the western parts of swing state Iowa, she is also spending actual campaign time in the city, a sign that her campaign believes it can win this extra electoral vote. And did we mention Warren Buffett, a huge Hillary fan, dominates the economic landscape there?But wait just a durn minute - Tim Kaine made visits to both Idaho and Wyoming, while Trump popped up in a coupla places in Virginia.
