Mr Bean

A Question

When you pray for something to be other than it is,

aren't you questioning god's perfect plan?

Aren't you saying god fucked up,

and he shouldn't have done what he did?

Praying

Hey, MAGA - here're a few prayer points that might help you handle your shit.

Dear Lord - help me become the kind of man that a woman would prefer to meet while hiking in the woods instead of a bear.

And Lord - we beseech thee - touch us with the grace we need to see that BLM might have some legitimate points after watching white America fuck over everybody that some jagoff has 'em convinced that "those people" ain't worthy.

Lord God, King of Heaven - grant is the divine insight to realize that rationalizing our propensity for violence is just bullshit planted in our mushy little brains by DumFux News, and sure as fuck has nuthin' to do with your boy Jesus.

We pray these things in the holy names of Jesus, and the Hairy Thunderer, and the Cosmic Muffin, amen.

Blood Money

Just spoke to Broward School Superintendent. Today is that terrible day you pray never comes.

— Marco Rubio (@marcorubio) February 14, 2018

Rubio = $3.3 Million from NRA

I am heartbroken for the students & family of those involved in this horrible tragedy & I'm praying for our first responders as they act swiftly to contain the situation. https://t.co/rCn5lFYhHP

— Cory Gardner (@SenCoryGardner) February 14, 2018

Gardner = $3.8 Million from NRA

Heartbreaking news out of Florida. Jane and I send our prayers to the school, the community, and the victims of this tragedy.

— Rob Portman (@senrobportman) February 14, 2018

Rob Portman = $3 Million from NRA

Praying for the students, teachers and first responders affected by the tragic shooting in Florida. Our hearts go out to the victims and their families.

— Bill Cassidy (@BillCassidy) February 14, 2018

Bill Cassidy = $2.9 Million from NRA

Tragic news out of Florida. Please keep the victims, their families, first responders and the community in your thoughts and prayers.

— Senator Thom Tillis (@SenThomTillis) February 14, 2018

Thom Tills = $4.4 Million from NRA

I'm devastated to hear about the tragedy in Florida. Praying today for the students and all those impacted.

— Congressman Ken Buck (@RepKenBuck) February 14, 2018

Ken Buck = $800K

Please join me in praying for the students, faculty, and staff at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, as well as their loved ones. Let us also show our gratitude to the courageous first responders.

— Joni Ernst (@SenJoniErnst) February 14, 2018

Joni Ernst = $3.1 Million

My heart breaks for all the families, teachers, and students of Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School. Praying for all affected by the tragic shooting in Florida today.

— Ronna McDaniel (@GOPChairwoman) February 14, 2018

RNC and GOP Candidates = $17.4 Million

My prayers and condolences to the families of the victims of the terrible Florida shooting. No child, teacher or anyone else should ever feel unsafe in an American school.

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) February 14, 2018

45* = $21 million from NRA

BTW - take a look at The Dunblane Massacre, Scotland, 1996.

Nothing Fails Like Prayer - Thank God

Praise Mammon from whom all blessings flow
Praise him, all victims here below
Praise him, Congress - who love him best
Praise money and power - and fuck the rest

Fake Lord Save Us

And then hurricane Irma was turned away and it spun harmlessly into the Gulf of Mexico.

Just kidding, because - well, you know:

• Nothing fails like prayer, or...
• ...these knuckleheads were doing it wrong, or...
• ...your god is just as much a dick as a fast-growing majority of us have suspected for quite a while

Today's Tweet

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Nothing Fails Like Prayer

From Charlie Hebdo cartoonist Joann Sfar. pic.twitter.com/UDXkSBUjR5

— Seth MacFarlane (@SethMacFarlane) November 14, 2015

Prayers

Remember this one?  

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Yeah - uhm - fuck that.  Try this one instead:

May God bless us with discomfort
At easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships
So that we may live from deep within our hearts.

May God bless us with anger
At injustice, oppression, and exploitation of God's creations
So that we may work for justice, freedom, and peace.

May God bless us with tears
To shed for those who suffer pain, rejection, hunger, and war,
So that we may reach out our hands to comfort them and
To turn their pain into joy.

And may God bless us with just enough foolishness
To believe that we can make a difference in the world,
So that we can do what others claim cannot be done:
To bring justice and kindness to all our children and all our neighbors who are poor.

Amen, muthahfuckah.

hat tip = The Professional Left podcast, episode 150